Faster Than Terry?

Pygmy Slow Loris (Nycticebus pygmaeus)

Although this pygmy slow loris looks like an adorable raccoon with a thyroid disorder, it is one of the most dangerous creatures in the animal kingdom. Roving packs of lorises have been known to decimate entire villages in southeast Asia, leaving behind little to identify their victims other than teeth. Natives of Borneo refer to the lorises as “melaeu fasa bendo micha ban”, which translates roughly as “tree piranha”.

Up until the early 1980’s, biologists believed these primates to be almost comically docile and most observers reported the same sluggish behavior that had given the slow lorises their name. Dr. Avery Fleckenstein was among the first western observers to witness new behavior in the lorises.

“My research team and I were hiking along a river when we noticed a dozen or so lorises overhead and stopped to take pictures. One of the lorises must have been startled by the flashes. He fell out of the tree and into the river. I…I still can’t talk about what happend next. It was horrible. I’ll never forget the screams. God, the screams…”

Footage from Dr. Fleckenstein’s team revealed a startling transformation of the lorises from jungle teddy-bears to vicious killing machines. Only three of the party of twenty biologists survived the incident.

Once their metamorphosis has occurred, the slow loris is capable of bursts of speed up to 30MPH. Below is a chart comparing the top speed of the slow loris and my friend, Terry.

Is the pygmy slow loris Faster Than Terry? Only in the presence of water.

Thoughts On Training

I think I figured out how interval training works: Run for 4 minutes. Cry for 2 minutes. Repeat 10 times. Feels great. - Terry

An artist’s rendering of Terry’s technique:

I think he’s on to something.

(Source: raiderathletics.blogspot.com)

Zebra (Equus stripus)

Assuming you have enough patience, staring at the picture above will eventually reveal one of the most majestic creatures of the African savannah, the plains zebra.

Don’t see it yet? Don’t worry, the camouflage of the plains zebra can fool even the best predators. The savannah lion, also shown above, is only able to track the zebra using her heightened sense of hearing, similar to the echolocation used by whales.

Relax your eyes. Cross them, then uncross them. Now do you see it?

Hmmm. Still not? That’s too bad. You might get that checked out. Could be cataracts. Or eye cancer.

If you could see the zebra, you would also see that they are very fast. Wild life experts have pegged the top speed of the plains zebra at 37.5 MPH.

Below is a graph comparing the top speed of the zebra and my friend, Terry.

Findings:

Is a zebra Faster Than Terry? YES

(Source: Wikipedia)

Betty Otzofsky, 40’s Stenographer

Although she achieved much during her life, including producing blue-ribbon-winning pickles for the Minnesota state fair, Betty Otzofsky is best remembered for her contributions to the field of stenography. Her most famous work was transcribing the poetry of legendary slam poet, e.e. cummings.

In the minds of many modern stenographers, Mrs. Otzofsky elevated dictation to an art form. She has been called the Warhol of her time…just now, by a hipster woman I overheard purchasing a manual typewriter to decorate her living room.

During her career, Mrs. Otzofsky’s adventurous use of punctuation and abrupt returns divided the stenographic community and resulted in her eventual expulsion from the Duluth Heights Secretarial Society. Eighty-six year-old, Dorothy Watson, a former neighbor of Betty Otzofsky, remembers:

Mrs. Watson: Betty? That hussy? She spent more time under the desk than typing at it, if you know what I mean.

She was a horrible typist. She had a palsy in her right hand and just mashed at the keys with that little claw hand.

Accuracy aside, Betty Otzofsky was capable of stenographizing at a quick clip of 80 WPM. Using 12-point Times New Roman to convert, this is equal to 35 MPH.

Below is a graph comparing the top speed of Betty Otzofsky and my friend, Terry.

Findings:

Is Betty Otzofsky, 40’s stenographer, Faster Than Terry? Y e..s&

(Source: easttwinwesttwin.wordpress.com)

Russian Submarine, TK-208 Dmitri Donskoi

Today marks the 30 year anniversary of the Dmitri Donskoi’s commissioning into the Russian fleet. This relic of the Cold War remains an impressive example of Russian ingenuity and resourcefulness - it is assembled almost entirely out of rusty food tins and fueled by potato-derived biofuel.

Nicknamed “The Toasty Sausage” by her sailors, the Dmitri Donsoki provided a welcome respite from the freezing temperatures and systemic food shortages of 80’s Soviet Russia. Commander Sasha Konsonantchev recalls:

“We once spent an entire month circling Iceland because I was forced to replace our navigator with a party minister who wanted to go on vacation. After we figured out we were lost we had a big laugh. Then we drew lots and shot the five men who drew the shortest so we would have enough food to make it home. It was a good time.”

Designed with stealth in mind, this Typhoon-class sub was never very quick. The Dmitri Donskoi was capable of only 27 knots while submerged, which is somewhere around 10 MPH land speed.

Below is a chart comparing the top speed of the Dmitri Donskoi and my friend, Terry.

Recently declassified documents reveal we’d have brought in a lot more Soviet defectors if our translators hadn’t been so confused by the Scottish accents of Russian sub commanders.

Findings:

Is the Russian submarine, TK-208 Dmitri Donskoi Faster Than Terry? Slightly, if submerged.

Mongolian Wild Ass

From Wikipedia: 

The Mongolian Wild Ass (Equus hemionus hemionus, also called Khulan, Mongolian: Хулан) is a subspecies of the Onager. It may be synonymous with the Gobi Kulan, Chigetai^[1] or Dziggetai (Equus hemionus luteus).

Prone to extended periods of severe depression, the Mongolian Wild Ass suffered a suicide epidemic in the late 20th century, bringing the species to the verge of extinction. Luckily, this amazing animal has made a recovery in recent years, due in large part to the efforts of a group of dedicated, but unlikely, conservationists.

In 2004, the non-captive population of the Mongolian Wild Ass had dropped to an estimated 100 adults, several of which had begun listening to The Cure. The future of the species was in serious doubt until a classroom of giggling students from the southern US came to the rescue upon learning about the plight of the Mongolian Wild Ass after one of them was using a library computer to search for curse words.

Children at Robert E. Lee Middle School in Fayetteville, GA led a fundraising drive to buy anti-depressants for the endangered donkey-things. Their “Save Our Asses” donation drive generated over $50,000, enabling wildlife specialists to purchase Prozac, several self-help books, and over 100,000,000 acres of pasture land in Mongolia, roughly 1/4 of the country.

That’s a lot of land, but these beautiful asses need it as they love to run during their manic periods. With a top speed of 40 MPH, a charging herd of Mongolian Wild Asses is an impressive sight.

Below is a graph comparing the top speed of a Mongolian Wild Ass and my friend, Terry.

Findings:

Is a Mongolian Wild Ass Faster Than Terry? YES

Progress Report #1

Good news, everyone! Terry sped up.

Here’s the chart to prove it.

Isn’t math wonderful?!

Lazy Man In a Hoveround

Invented by Sam “Walt” Walton in 1952, the Hoveround has become synonymous with Wal-Mart Stores. Visit any Wal-Mart in the country and you will undoubtedly find its isles filled with once-human blob creatures, puttering around on these mechanized wheelchairs.

Fred Billings, pictured above, is the proud owner of a new Mach II model Hoveround. He was recently interviewed by Stone Johnson, field correspondent for local CBS affiliate, KFZP.

Stone Johnson: What inspired your purchase? Was it recommended by your physician?

Mr. Billings: Heavens no. I haven’t been to a doctor in years, unless you count watching Dr. Oz everyday. I bought my Hoveround because I was tired of walking and QVC was having a five-minute blitz sale.

Stone Johnson: So you don’t have any medical conditions preventing you from walking?

Mr. Billings: Nope, but see this nifty basket that attaches on the front? I can fit six 2-liters in there. Amazing!

Stone Johnson: With all due respect, I hope you die in a fire.

Although Hoverounds were engineered to have a top speed of 3 MPH, the weight of the rider can significantly impact both speed and battery life. Fred Billings’ Hoveround, with a dry weight (without 3 gallons of cola) of 1 metric ton, is only capable of a literal crawl - 0.5 MPH.

Below is a graph comparing the top speed of a lazy man in a Hoveround and my friend, Terry. 

Findings:

Is a lazy man in a Hoveround Faster Than Terry? NO

(Source: exiledonline.com)